New Notification: _____and_____ are engaged!

Seems like EVERY time I log in to Facebook these days, someone is getting engaged.

I won't lie like others girls and say "Oh goodness, I'm not bitter-I'm SO SO happy for them".  Lets be real people, you know your initial reaction to those notifications (if you are painfully single or painfully waiting for your significant other to pop the question) is "Really? Really?! Another one?!?".

Tonight's notification took me by surprise.  I've known this girl for ages, I mean come on she was my elementary school best friend's LITTLE SISTER.  So now its not just my peers? Its my peers younger siblings? Oh...okay good. I was just checking.

This month officially marks the time of the year that I have officially had no official boyfriend for SEVEN official years. (I'm fully aware I am using an excessive amount of capital letters, but its really for the best emphasis.) So when those oh-so-well-to-do old church friends see me around my hometown and ask "Are you engaged? Are you close to being engaged? Do you have a boyfriend?" I can't help but laugh.  I am probably the farthest away from getting married as they come.

And I don't know how I feel about it.

Some days I like to stand tall, strut my stuff out to my jeep and blast "All my Single Ladies" at the top of my lungs.  I couldn't be more proud to me an independent woman working towards being nursing, driving around in that ride *I bought it*, and laughing at those "boys" who obviously can't see how much I'm worth.

But other days its just lonely.  Most girls don't want to admit that because it seems "needy".  Well screw that, we all get lonely! Sometimes we want more than cuddling with our australian-shepard mix and a bottle of white zin...can I get a witness?

You know what though.  I'm learning to practice patience.  Patience that God knows what He is doing. Patience that He is still growing me to be the woman He calls me to be.  Patience that He is still training up my warrior and its is not our time to meet yet.  And more importantly He is teaching me to be content.  To be content whatever my circumstance and to trust in His beautiful plan.

Because who He has for me loves his mother. Respects his father. Treats those who can do nothing for him with respect and gratitude. Loves Jesus. Can admit his mistakes, and learn from others.  He will have a heart for those in need. His sense of humor will get us through tough times and his sense of adventure will lead our story all over the world.  He will accept others and be willing to take in children as our own.  He will take care of his money, his body, himself.  The affirmations he craves will not come from me-but from his Creator.  He will be a hard worker, a fearless leader, an animal lover, and whisper joy and life to my soul every single day.  And this man-well he is worth the wait.

The Final List

You see a messy past.
I see the journey that made you.

You see a shameful turn of events.
I see freedom from someone who didn't truly love you.

You see no set plans for your future and instability.
I see a blank canvas, waiting to be created.

You feel that you have a bad heart that I wouldn't like.
I can feel it beating strong when you embrace me.

You feel you are not enough.
I like you just the way you are.

You hear the overwhelmingly negative talk of those around you.
I hear it too.  And couldn't care less what they say.

You don't think you deserve my love.
I love you.

asdfjkl;

Life is a biotch sometimes, isn't it?

When I read my other posts here it kinda makes me sad to see how little progress I am made.  Thank God for grace, for second chances, and for renewed spirits.  Maybe this blog won't be so much about my "weight loss", as just about be.  Who I am. How I am growing. What God is doing in my life.  That seems like a lot less pressure. To just take it day by day.

So.  Today I am thankful. Thankful that despite all the failures I see in myself that God is still using me.  Working as a Nurse Tech right now is something I LOVE.  Everyday I am able to love on children.  It is a pretty thankless job.  I wash them, brush their teeth, change their diapers.  At the end of the day I have stains on my scrubs from formula, pee and poop; my back is aching and I just want a nap.  But I CANNOT wait for the next day to go love on them again.

So. Today I chose to focus on the good.  I chose my attitude.  I choose to live my life positively.


"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He WILL give you the desires of your heart."

Refocusing

Soooo I double checked and its reaching my goal by August 12, 2013. A looong time, but less time than it took me to get here :p That will be perfect actually, right as I am starting my career in nursing! This time frame seems more attainable and less drastic! This means consistency and losing more weight the harder I work! The people around me are so encouraging and so willing to help! Can't wait to continue Day 2 of this journey tomorrow!!!

Fit > Skinny

I mean come on, I'm gonna be a stinkin' nurse! How will I tell my patients they need to get healthy if I can't do it myself. I've always worked better to earn things for myself if they can motivate other people in the process. So here we go :)

I started this blog a while a go, but I think I will keep up with it much more! I found a "good ways to get started losing weight" blog from matchstickmolly and I'm used one of her blogs as a starting point for a healthy idea for my weight loss!

First thing I learned, I have a large body frame and I endomorph body shape. What does that mean-CURVES. I will never be a Cameron Diaz, but I mean honestly, wouldn't we all rather be Beyoncé? For my body style and height I should weigh about 143-163, and considering my weight in high school we're gonna shoot for 163! I'm weighing in at 242 now and wear a size 18! Can't wait to see what fit and healthy looks like for me, because it will be different from everyone else.

I'm supposed to eat around 1850-2100 calories a day to healthily lose weight considering if I do nothing to working out 3 times a week. This means that by AUGUST 12, 2011 I should reach my weight loss goals!!!!!! In the scheme of the rest of my life-what is 7 months???

I was going to start this new years day, but why not NOW???

Some things I promise to to DAILY to achieve my goals from now on are as follows:

1. Write down EVERYTHING I eat (yes, even if it is embarrassing)
2. Eat more fruits and veggies than anything else.
3. Do AT LEAST 30 minutes of exercise EVERYDAY.
4. Continually educate myself about nutrition!
5. EAT OFTEN
6. Never drink soda
7. Be moderate with my condiments.
8. Be accountable to 2-3 ppl about my binge eating.
9. Stop calorie counting February 1, 2012 and just continue what I have learned from this month!
10. Love myself and who I am each and every day <3

So when does the scary stuff start?

I was talking to a close friend about my swim lessons tonight. He asked what my plans were for the first day of lessons tomorrow and I said, "Oh you know getting to know them, evaluating where they're at, letting them trust me...nothing too scary." He replied, "So when does the scary stuff start?". It caught me off guard. I've talked about how I've had to push kids past their limits a little so they can learn a new skill, but its always after the fact. And I never push unless I know that they can take it. So why did his question bother me? Why did it make me stop and not only think about my lessons, but about God. "God, when does the scary stuff start?". If you had just off-handedly heard me talking about how I was going to get to the scary stuff on Wednesday and Thursday so that they'll be a little uncomfortable it would seem like I am a malicious teacher that doesn't understand children, but that is just not the case! I push them like that because I've found when they come back on Monday for their last week of lessons, they have regressed a little because of their fear, but by Tuesday they surpass their previous skill level. I had to push them to reach their potential, I HAD to-I HAVE TO-make them uncomfortable so that they can be better swimmers-have confidence in themselves and their skills. I have to do this even when it breaks my heart to see the three year old crying when he comes up from going under water, or the look of dread when I tell the five year old he has to swim a little further from the step today, or even the look in a forty year old's eyes when I tell her its time to learn to float. But my process works because they trust me. They know that I am the teacher, I know more about swimming then they do, so they should trust me and know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt them. But none of this changes the fact that what I am asking them to do is scary.

Is this not the same thing that happens with me and God? He has to push me to reach my potential, He HAS TO make me uncomfortable so that I can be who He calls me to be. He has to do it even when it breaks His heart to see me crying when I had to change schools. He has to do it even when He can see the look of dread on my face when I hear another one of my grandparents is sick. He has to do it even when He can see the doubt in my eyes when I found out I had to battle depression. But His process works because I trust fully in Him. I know He is my teacher, my Healer. He knows more about me than I know about myself, so I should trust in Him and know He won't do anything to harm me. But none of this changes the fact that what He is asking me to do is scary.

Mine and God's story changes here. While in my lessons sometimes my faith in my students isn't enough, sometimes they are too scared and sometimes I don't have the means to help them, my God is big enough for all of my fears. He is all-knowing, full of compassion and grace and willing to sit on the step with me or swim into the deep. He will never leave me. He has a plan for me, a special lesson plan, not one to terrify me, but one to prosper me, to make me better, to give me an endless hope-one no one can take away-and to give me a future. A future free of my sadness, my fears and my insecurities. Lord, you are my Healer. You are MORE than enough for me. I trust in You.

I be up in the gym just workin on my fitness...

So today was day one of my working out. Pretty good! I was on the eliptical for 30 min and then walked about 4 miles with Bianca (my bestest friend) tonight. I weighed myself at 24-hr Fitness though and it was bad news bears! I way the most I ever have at a whoppint 228 lbs. I don't know when I let myself get this bad, when did I let my healthy eating patterns and moderate work outs slip right out the window? Its gonna be hard but it doesn't mean I can't get back. I'm ready to work for this-for me! Not for anyone else :)

There are three baby birds on our porch that just hatched. The two parents take shifts all day watching the babies or getting them food and they switch off. Then tonight when I was in the hot tub I noticed that one of the parents was sitting on the light nearby guarding them and I thought to myself what great parents, what a great relationship. Why can't humans be that way? Birds have always been beautiful to me because they are so free, they have so much life and so much hope. "Look at the birds of the air, the do not sow or reap or store away in barns and yet their heavenly father feeds them". I hope and pray that I learn to be like a bird. To fully trust, and in that trust to find my own rhythm. And in that life I hope to find a place and a peace like what those little birds had today.